| lets kill you all.... |
[21 Dec 2005|02:36pm] |
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between the buried and me |
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not so sure about these online journal thingies, they seem to be attention getters.
lately, i find myself in complex situations, complex emotions able to rule out all rationality, isnt that what the heart is for however? to confuse, rule out without regulations, situations probing together in masses to form new concepts, all rationality cut out. just feelings begeting feelings.
i think my kitty is upset with me, i have him trapped in my room due to my uncle and his big ass dogs being here. i should probably get him some food and water, he seems kinda pissed, attention craving as well.
these days i find so many things laying in ruins, self destruction has played a major role this time. ive been here before however, but its all different, the landscape, the sunsets, the high moon rises, the rip currents, its all shifted. is that what happens when you get older? every time something new arises, it brings new fear. lol.
needless to say i just havnt been happy lately skat kats. been in a bit of a dillema, i need to get my life rearranged, but ive been focused on something else, and everything is falling apart. has been for alittle while now. possibly its time for me to keep my chin up, and just move, hard and fast at what it is i wish to accomplish. it is so very possible im afraid, but i havnt been programmed for such, this is all new to me. but im in no position to sit around anymore.
these days i find myself wishing, wishing for something more, as do we all, then those who see no future in their ambitions merely settle, i do not want to be a settler, and i have been, always thinking things will get better, and doing nothing about it. its time for me to just get up, and get out man. i know i have the potentiol, so im going to use it. this slump ive been in, i know the cause of it. or causes rather, heh.
just so we all know, i am no saint, but an artist true and new, a different form of artist however...
do you ever realize, that when walking, say along downtown, you merely walk by everyone there, barely even looking at them unless they have something you want, but you pay no attention to them at all, and them to you. you know nothing of their stories, and they know nothing of yours. but then again, what is it that faces humantiy in such ways anyways? is that merely human nature? to just attempt at obtaining all you can merely for yourself? possibly we all have our own fates to play out, and they do not partake in our stories. but you know for a fact, if your at the mall, you will walk by everyone there, and notice nothing about them, will not even care at all, unless you find them a. attractive, or b. an oddity. which in some cases, is the case at hand. amusing it all seems. yet what of those you pass by, and never imagine again, they too hold emotions about them. lives, stories, dillemas much like our own. possibly this is all just a process for me not to feel so alone anymore. possibly this is just my way of thinking it out? i could write countless poetics in regards to this very nature of human life. countless lyrics, but it is not i to inform the world, merely myself. and yes, that is a bit of a contradtiction upon my part to state that we all merely gain for ourselves in quetioning then to state that i, myself partake in that as well, but remember, i am no saint, an artist of sorts.
i find my favorite place these days, is late late night, the only time i truly know downtown, atop of buildings, glimpsing, watching, taking in. grasping at what it is out there, then again, i will think of nothing at all if that is possible. the lights distract me, so beautiful an embracing, yet you can look down, and see pain, suffering from one thing or another, a man in a blanket hanging around clubs hoping someone will drop something of vlue for them. a drunk women dressed very flashy, attention seking, wanting. wishing for someone to reach out and grasp at her. the bouncer, calm collective, watchful, wishing for somethign more im sure than standing out in the cold next to a door to enforce "regulations". a man in a suit, with a ring about his finger, zipping in and out of clubs, talking to all kinds of women while he probably holds pictures of his kids and wife inside his bulky wallet, maybe he is just bored? or "working late". the kinds retracing their steps out of venues, just done watching someone upon stage, screaming out, screaming out to be recognized. screaming out to be understood, emotions play roles in there, its electric. is this all for entertainment?
then there are those like me, watching, thinking, the lost loves, the broken hearts, the saints, the artists. ill find myself atop buildings, thinking fondly of her, her soft scent chastizing my evil ways. how it feels more to grasp her, hold her, as opposed receive pleasure from her, but it seems as though its al she knows how to get close. but the pain is apparent there, love made, and its now, tinged. different. were always thinking, what of them, the past ones, able to experience this now, the ones causing such pain, it takes two to play out those situations im afraid, and now were both at blame for this. nothing seems as special any longer, but were longing, longing for the situation, the cards at play to in figurative get better. the lime lights plays across this face, and the eyes glazed over seeing nothing, but feeling everything. take it in...... breathe it in....... old lyrics reminese through lips chapped cold. her touch, shockingly familiar, is so distant now. so, different, we speak of the high times as if they are gone, or we wish to recreate them. how it all makes sense, we were once, capable, pure to eachothers intentions, beautifull. it all seems gone now, nothing left but dispear. neglect and pain. her eyes alight are remarkable, but i havnt seen those in awhile, and i wish, still wish for something more, but on her part this time, she deserves more and ill let her, try to find it, i played my hand, i played out my cards, dealt and stacked. and i failed. came up short in the end. so its time, for someone stronger, better, bigger, brighter to grasp her, and i know shes willing, she was always willing, with a pretty face, shes willing.... so very willing.
we were young once, untouched........
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[03 May 2005|12:16pm] |
well, lots have been going on lately, let me just recap on my top 5 favorite moments i suppose. this is within the last few weeks. or weekend possibly.
#5. prom finally came around, so angie and i working on things for the last month finally payed off. i got to take her to get her hair done, my mother did her nails and make up. it was nice, ive been seeing her lots, and it seems to have been working out rather well these days. she showed me these women secret type ordeals. basically i got taken back into some weird ass room and watched her get her eye brows waxed, fucking weird.
#4. angie and i had a pretty good time at prom, ,the usual, just dresseed up. it was nice, she seemeed to have been really enjoying herself. which is kick ass. many people could not help but just stop and stare at my attire when i walked in. it was fucking hillarious. but good times none the less, teachers gave me bizzare ass glances telling me i could have cleaned up for once. but thats as formal as i get. its just me, get the fuck over it. i took the jacket off eventually, then they said i looked nice. next year im thinking up something ridiculous.
#3 angie and i got a free hotel. i love free shit, ,its nice having connections in all parts of orlando. so we stayeed there after prom. basically just went straight there. angie wanted out of her dress, although she looked remarkably stunning as usual.
#2 i proposed to angie, it was kind of funny. ask and ill tell you all the minor details. but we are now engaged.
#1. i took ang to see her sisters on sunday. it was pretty kool. we got to hang out and shit, they are fucking adorable. her step father is alright, nice well mannered guy, but hes got the itch. sad honestly. id like to visit with her sisters more. such sweet hearts.
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[16 Apr 2005|07:58pm] |
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well, hillo mofugga. i am a 17 year old, who does not live in his parents house, who still manages to make terrible grades and get grounded. kind of shitty if you ask me yo. but hey, there is an easy way out of this i think. just do good in school, although i am seriously missing my mothers house. my little brother, even justin. angie is grounded also, which makes it hella hard for us to see eachother, although we did spend alot of time together last weekend. we were supposed to go with meh aunt to look at dresses today, but her pops was being la assholish. hopefully on sunday she can go with my mother and i to grab some shizot for me, which should be fun. thrift stores, hell mother fucking yeah yo. i wanna get a black sports jacket, and put a big ass blue skull on the back, and kool shit all over my jacket and what not. yah know, jes be myself. big hair, lots of fun, dancing. partying. mason style mother fuckers. as well as romantic hot stuff, but thats for me to think up as well as do, and for you to read later. but, ill write more as everything progrsses
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[15 Apr 2005|12:05pm] |
emotions? what are they exactly? a sexual drive to those in some cases? a perceptive piece of influence brought upon us as adolesence to derive the outcome of certain events in the lives of whom it is we choose or do not choose to stand close to? in life we go through many processes of events, which in turn make memories. life is nothing but a series of acomplishemnts, and memories. and yes, it can be broken down to that. yet the things that live within us, deep within us. we can alter or control into other aspects of our lives, better creating or recreating whom it is we truly are.
haha, im rambling, but someone left me a comment, didnt even state whom it was, but its all good, but im just asking, when the fuck have i stated that one human being can be more emotional than another. and in turn, who the fuck cares? what the fuck was that an attack about? even possibly, why? i get called a mindless fuck, which is so very interesting. possibly true, we are all so very ignorant. every single person upon this sun baked, polluted, individualistic corrupted world.
possibly, this is in reference to perception, which can mean an unlimited amount of things, perception is how one individual views something. so it may be possible for one human being to be more emotional than the next. but once again, who the fuck cares. focus upon yourself, and the ones you choose to love. or is that a matter of fate? ill leave that up to everyone else, for i have already made my choice. thats my perception, free will. a beautiful thing, but it holds the balance, for it can hold an ugly side also. but, all in all, emotions are only true to those who are feeling them, no one can feel exactly how that one person feels, so theres not many ways to really have someone grasp at how it is you are feeling, unless you hold intuition on a level extremely high. or you hold a connection with someone, that is beautiful all its own as well as extremely unique.
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[05 Apr 2005|02:49pm] |
prom is coming up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im thinking big hair, crazy make up, weird outfit, big blue skulls, stars, hearts, roses, and something very macambre, but im also thinking hella fun, waking up, breakfast, long drawn out night of splendor, comfort, rehibilitation to nurture bruises. if its possible, if its beautiful. so many ideas, so little time to decide. i want this to be exciting, thrilling, memorable, fascinating, exotic as well as something so romantic, so perfectionable, that eager tears await certain tears to be bestowed and emotions to be let go in a flourish. hahaha, or possibly, it will just be fucking insane. depends on how things go i suppose, but im thinking up something pretty kool, nothing toooo radical, but pretty kool, i have to see whats at hand to play with first however.
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[01 Apr 2005|08:41am] |
not too much has been going on lately, my aunts birthday was the other day. it was damn good to see her kind of spoiled, makes me smile honestly, i got her a bitchin movie. our fav. heh. ive met some new kats at my school, well. kind of really. they want me to go to the beach with em tomorrow, im not sure if im gonna. i just may, sounds like fun. im writing again, grasping at inspiration when ever i can, wherever. feels good. this macambre inovation puts many things into perspective these days. ive realized my balance is not as good as it used to be, i cannot stand on my tippy toes from the tree tops anymore, im enjoying the swaying of the ground a little more. although i love the sights from up above, the motion sickness is a crushing circumstance. i would have been willing.
heres somethign that portrays my thoughts somewhat vividly
once upon a midnight morning i look back, way back, so much mourning, yet my past remains a mystery, one more mystery, thoughts of that sacred place, what a misery, and now i see phantoms like me, they breathe, im caught their thoughts haunt me, i came out of my shadows, and into your light, just to realize, you are the night.
i break the lace free from my wrists, and now i dont know what to do, but i want to apologize, for what ive put you through, tiger lilly make shift, of orions belt, one white rose, would have told me, something still remained.
twice this night, i have stood, stood up, looked up, screamed out the name that leaves the taste in my mouth so sour, so sour it burns, and yet, freakishly, beautiful, it all seems, seems to have colors, fading back, back to the black and white back grounds we all used to share.
a song i wrote about a year ago, its decent, but nothing in comparison to other things i have written before. but yet this meaning, is somewhat compasionit with what it is i am feeling at the moment, i have in fact broken lace free from my wrists, but this time i know what i can do, i am stronger this time around, i am terribly apologetic for what i have done, and if it were humanly possible, i would in fact, do things over, make them pure, beautiful as they should be, as i would want them to be, and yes in fact, one white rose is capable of informing me, that something still remains, that something is worth fighting for, worth hurting for, as long as it ends up in a positive outcome. yet that concept, has never been proven, just another ideal i have fixated in my brain. but a concept that i can admire, in fiction if nothing else. not so sure as to what else i can put in here at the moment, not entirely alot on my brain, just mere emotions burning and yearning to explode into beautification. without idle inconsideration.
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[28 Mar 2005|04:14pm] |
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dude, crazy shit been goin on man. lol, so many fucking oppurtunites have been given to me, but im not real sure as to what to do at the eact momento, but everythign seems so fucking fun. so many fucking adventures, so many new kats to enjoy it all with, haha, this is sweeeeet. i talked with m father last night, to see how he has been doing, hes aight, i talked with sunshine, both of them want me to go with them, which i just may. i dunno, lol. then theres another one, but im shush about it, for the time being atleast. i have about a month to figure shit out, maybe, lol. anyways, what been goin on skat kats? ive been writing again, been a little while, its taking on a new form though, more macambre, deeper into hysterics. im sad to say it but this sorrow within me has given me a new form of hope, a new fire, and it feels so fucking good.
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[25 Mar 2005|03:00pm] |
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beetles, im a walrus |
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very interesting party last night, at the one place we never thought to have one, lol. alcohol got smashed real real fucking fast, but i managed not to drink any at all. well, kind of, haha, good times none the less, alot of talent under one roof, and not alot of drama either. one drunk chick, 14 or some shit, would not get off my fucking ass though. pretty fucking disgusting, i managed to mingle my way out of that one, sooo boooyah mother bitch. it was real fucking good to be around meh friends however, always fun, i rode dave down the stairs, haha, fucking hillarious, talked with some kats, good times, met some new kats also, which is always bitchin. my brother beagle comes back in town today, i missed that bastard a hell of alot, will be very very good to see him, and i think a friend of mine is taking me out for a movie, fuck yeah yo, constantine, or something like that, i wanna see if i can scrounge up some money though, dont want her paying for me exactly, but i have to help pay for pizza now, but its all good. i dont mind, well blah man, not a whole lot to really put in here, i may get to move to the carribean, i may take the oppurtunity, sounds like an adventure. a new culture, new ideals, new music.. sounds fuckin shibby..
well, im outy, fo now foo, but uhm, yeah, haha, i have to clean today, get rid of the computer desk, because it fucking fell apart on me the other day, help reboot the comp, so that will work again, say hillo to chris, buh byes to stevie, and see whats goin with the whole music scene these days, im ready to progress back in it, im writing again, which is kick ass, so who knows man, we shall see what happens. if anything happens. heheheehhe, but im sure somethign will, lol.
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[24 Mar 2005|11:23am] |
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captivation no longer strikes in eyes devoid of color, twilight these twinkles they stand out to suffer, surfaced beneath evidence insecurities took control, and i say, let them trhive there, im alive this time, cling on tip top towards trick stops, stop!. ray charles could have seen this coming. love, a 4 leter lie, blinded by fasion this time, insecurities its a shame, a sham prevailed and witheld as a virtue, so let this thing roll on, chastise me nothing, burn this bridge and ill swim in the ash strewn waters, so cold refreshing, i need not a new start, for with it, id learn not a damn thing, this is just a new begining, a new chapter to remind me of the ways of life, and im still happy, another fire is set ablaze within me this time, refreshing this warmth is not new however, no scars remain on me, no sorrow to fill me from top to bottom, for i am happy, haha, no shackles, just lace strewn across the floor once again, i am free! and it feels just right, burning sensation within me, i am at home, this is me, i am back again...
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[24 Mar 2005|11:15am] |
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just another chapter to be burned, new pages to satisify, new concepts to learn through hysterical evidence, these pages ill keep turning, and ill spend my time in progression as opposed to regression, but in the end, i am finding happiness within myself, so ill just thank you, soo much to continue on learning, so much to gain, and im willing, theres the beauty in it, im not broken, im not destroyed, i am still mason, taking a look back and observing my own mishaps, observing the flaws i created, but yet, i do not blame myself, for i will grow from this experience, i need not run, i need not hide, im happier this way, so i thank you, it was for the best...
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[21 Mar 2005|03:30pm] |
i managed to steal a few moments yesterday and see my little brother, o how i missed the little fucker man. danm good kid, it appears that he started to cry after i left the car, i had some issues i had to deal with, shit to clerify, as ell as figure out. but i can hopefully make it over there on the morrow, play some vid games with him, teach him some shit on my board again. he can ride pretty good for a little dude, its bitchin man. my mother did not know how to handle me yesterday, her arms held no comfort it seemed, no pat on the back. she seemed concerned but also preoccupied, and thats kool, im a man now, i can handle myself i suppose. i know there are others who would even appreciate that little comfort to be obtained through a mother. so i appreciate it, enough, just wish i could do more to help her, its hard. love is an interesting thing it seems, can make or break people, and i think i will be one not to be made, but to help in a process all new to me. eh, who knows man, way too early to tell, just truth spread emotions can tell the tale i am speaking of, and they need to be let out in time. so, in the process of time i will be focusing on other things, first off, spending time with my little bro, establishing better acedmics, i want to get the fuck out of high school and move on man. got shit to do, places to go. this to learn, and knowledge to obtain. i went out to lunch with my mother yesterday, it was nice actually, i didnt eat much, due to alot on my mind, but it was good to see her. i just wish i was accomplishing something that my mother could benefit from. something she could be proud about, as well as happy.
ive noticed lately, many of my friends, that i somewhat grew up with, kinda sorta, are all living interesting lives such as my own for the moment, many or either being thrown out, or just leaving their families, while their still in highschool. and i mean many of them, its sad really. its hard to go to high school, hear kids bitchin about how their father yelled at them for not taking out the trash, or how their mother scolded them for making c's. for getting a phone call home about them showig up late to class, i know kids that would give as much as they could right now to have that oppurtunity back. i am extremely grateful for where i am at, at the moment however. but i do miss my mother, it is somewhat my choice not to see her often, but it is due to her husband, i think i am to bite the bullet soon though, and mosy on over there regardless of him, alls he can do is ask me to leave, and i can tell him to go fuck himself. or just smile, kiss my mother on the forehead, hug my lil bro and leave like i have done in the past.
i am thinking in the near future possibly, i am to purchase a car, if i can, we shall see, if i can get a job over summer and what not, which woul dbe bitchin, i can get a car, but i do not want it for myself really, not at the moment, id like to take ang to visit her sisters, they are adorable. and its bitchin to see ang around them, i saw it for a mere moment, and it was well worth it. they look up to their big sis, just as my lil bro does his big brother. theres soo much i would like to do for ang, i really would, so im going to sneak past the excuses, and work my way to obtain certain dreams, i hold alot of them, and i will not let them rot away, but i think ang needs me right now, so i am all hers, as long as she is true to me, loyal, and there for me as well yah know. i will do meh best.
anyways, im debating on attempting at a band again. possibly, im not completely sure honestly, but yah never know. would be nice to come back into the music world, i have some new ideas, more background, as well as more inspiration than before. but eh, i need to focus on other things at the moment, get my life started, gah, but i think i will be taking a dive into the old mason, the cryptic mason. the darker one, it seems like i have been trying to be something i am not. so, i will just be what comes naatural, while holding on to virtues, concepts, and ideals. as well as love, some sort of new stability, if it can be called that, only time will tell...
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[20 Mar 2005|07:15pm] |
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if anyone can tell me other wise on how i feel, then by all means, please do so, it would be so very appreciated...
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[20 Mar 2005|11:43am] |
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is it all but pointless again? to know in the end you are to have to let go, eventually? or is this another fairy tale circumstance?
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[14 Mar 2005|03:14pm] |
i attended a funeral this weekend, it was beagles grandfathers, his mothers father. the ceremony was beautiful, the mood was set in stone, and the eagerness in my bones yerned to help all those if i could in any way shape or form. despite the tears, memories were shared amongst family and friends, joyusness set in, and in the end, grandfather held within him, a full life, full of acomplishments, as well as memories. he shall be missed, and looked upon for the heavens, for that is where i am sure he still runs his days, as however he wished to. a good man, to say the least, someone to admire...
i was also able to see angie a little bit, we had some fun, hung out and what not, i surprised her a bit, and we shared alot together. actually meant alot to me this weekend, shes a good girl, a damn good girl, and im open to her... i do think she is the same to me, possibly. Nimbus is getting BIG, she is long but slendor though, and playfull. such a cute kitty. angies family are nice people. i went over there one night, to her grandmothers house. they are pretty chill, pretty kool. i enoyed being over there. angie seemed to cast out a different light there. i severely enjoyed that.
i havnt had much sleep lately, so i think i may be takign a nap, then read and do a project type ordeal. and then to work on a few more things, but for now, i need rest. today has been a good day, i got to show some friends of mine angie, well, pics of her atleast, they all state the obvious, she is beautiful. i wonder if ang ever gets the same from me? lol, who knows, not likely, but its all good.
i whooped her ass in chess, booooyah. and ive been reciting the emperors new groove for days now. "number two, look what i can do" aaaaaaaaaaa hhahahhhahahhahahaha.
i do believe angie and i will be sharing our 6 month in a few short days, it doesnt seem that long, yet it seems longer. very interesting, i wonder is to come in the next 6 months, i seriously wonder if she will keep meh that long, its not a matter of if ill keep her, its a matter of if she will keep me. i seem to be doing good though. atleast, i think so.
i am working on something in school, just started it today, i hope it turns out good though, ive nver done this before, so who knows, but if all works out, it should be fucking kick ass. atleast i hope so. my teacher said she will help me though, cause i have not a fuckign clue on what im doing.
nothing more to really say as of lately, angie went to the fair with maressa, thats kool i suppose, i dont talk to maressa though, so i dunno. she has this, i dunno how to explain it so i wont. i didnt hear much about their trip to the fair though, jes that they had fun, and thats bitchin. haha, i write about her lots, ang i mean.
there has been a death at my school recently, very sad, she was very young. the loss of life at such a young age is a tragedy. she has barely been able to taste life, and yet it has been stripped from her. her name is staci stevens i belive, i do not think i knew her personally, but from what i can hear, she was a very good natured soul. many of my friends feel affected by her loss of life, so i know she reached out to many people. which is a good thing, she will be remembered, so she will never truly die. a piece of her rests within those who have been touched by her. which is an amazing thing, but still, it is sorrowful to hear about that loss of life, so young, so very young.
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| fucking angry |
[09 Mar 2005|10:54pm] |
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between the buried and me |
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angie and i just got into it, once again, what the fuck else is new, when everything is calm, te chaos is brewing underneath the surface, just bubbling, and once two or three actually make it out, all hell breaks lose, so yeaup, we just got into it again, not too bad, but enough to have me extremely pissed off. i finally open up to this girl, im ready to pour my all into it, i just feel a certain a way, like i can build something amazing with her, im over everything and im fixated on her, and yet, she does not tell me a fucking thing on how she feels on the inside, so i ask her about it, she states she does not want to talk about her feelings, im sorry, but in order for me to feel the way i do, i need mutuality, and if im stuck in the dark, im not sure if i can allow myself to be vulnerable to her. she can level me with her eyes, or raise me with her touch, a gentle stroke on my hand, a twinkle within her smile as her eyes glisten with awe, but yet, i do not see it in her, ive noticed this, possibly she doesnt feel the same about me, or she thinks she does, but you can usually tell, possibly she is not letting herself, if that is the case, is it air for me to let myself go in her? without knowing or understanding? she says she loves me, which is a beautiful thing, somethign i hold extremely sacred to myself, and yet, i know i am in love with her, to love someone, is soo extrodinary, such a concept as beautiful as they are mangeable. i am 17, head over heels for a girl, but also focused on things i want out of life, i want a loving caring wife, not now, but in the future, i wish to accomplish a little bit before hand, then progress on to a family ordeal, a house, white picket fence, piano in the front room, white curtains, two story house, woods in the back yard, possibly somewhere up north, i wish to be a writer of sorts, i am lazy, i am moody, i am sensitive, but i am also so very loving, so caring, and choatic.
i do love angie, i know this, which is weird, its not like what i had with tasha, we made plans and shit, we held a future in ours grasps but it was too big a thing for us to handle, and im glad we did not manage, for she sickens me now, just the human she is. from what i can see atleast, erks me. and im glad i no longer partake in a statue to her life. im glad i can see her from afar, not in admiration, but more such as observation. i do not long for her at all, or lust, or anything that would be admirable. but this way i feel for angie, is different, a little more mature, she is not my whole world, but she is one of my fav parts. and yet, i find myself questioning everything, and i think it is due to the fact that she flat out refuses to let me know how she feels, i cannot go on like that, i like to know, not everything, just enough to keep me reassured, i feel as if angie loves me, but still, she does not let it show in an emotional way i can cope with. possbly beagles mother is right, she is a little more mature, even though that is what im looking for, but its hard to obtain at the moment, possibly in time i can gradually learn her ways? angies i mean. possibly i should stop reading soo far into it, and just let thigns flow by, i cannot control everything, and i cannot know everything. possibly that is the way to go, acceptance? or possibly angie can let me in a little more. i do not like to feel shut out, or possibly i am reading the wrong signs, i just wish she would sit me down, and tell me flat out, how she feels at times, not every day, possibly once a month, that would be nice, say we were out havign a good time, by ourselves, and she told me, on a park bench, during a walk, or just making food at home. just how she feels about me at the moment, if i could get that out of the way, i could focus on other things, but without me knowing, even the slightest bit, drives me insane. makes me want to push back. push harder, yet i will not, for fear of losing her. is any of this making sense? if she can look me in the eye, captivate me, her eyes twinkling, her smile charming, just a warm reasurring understandance connection from me to her, and from her to i, would be the ultimate, or possibly in this relationship i am to never know, until all is lost? or all is gained?
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[03 Mar 2005|10:46pm] |
well, once again my tender friends its been awhile, and yet, not much more has been happening than normal, angie and i go up and down, the rollercoaster of love its called, both scorpios, both determined, both mean as a mother fucker can be. and as soft as a feather, hahahahahahaha. my uncle may be in town tomorrow, would be nice to go over to my mothers and visit with him. its been 4 years i believe, something of that degree. have ang come meet him also, should be nice, she wants to go swimming, thats only if we even get to stay there. we may not, hopefully she can come over anyways, we can hang out, do somethin foooooon, this weekend i aim to get three thins accomplished, 5 paragraph essay on heart disease, project od teddy roosevelt, as well as an e zine, have to finish up some poems, write some new ones, and possibly write somethign else that may be interesting, possibly. i want to get that all out of the way, get the fuck out of highschool, i just have no ambition, no regard for it, basically i do not care for the trivials of highschool, but i hear it has a purpose. which im sure it does just as all things do these days.
angie and i share our 6 months this month, on the 24, thats something to look forward to, the time has seemed to have passed by so fast. yet the feelings are nothing vague, strong, ever growing, shes a good girl, spoils me, and is beautiful, inside as well as out. has alot going for her. i wish to see her through it all, she seems to be one capable of many things, strong willed, intellegent, and able, ready. she will make something of herself.
i on the other hand, im not sure what i am honestly, capable? more than likely, likely to do it? not so sure, for i am a lazy being. but when i hold the fire inside purging for something, i want it badly, willing to do all i can for it. and yet, i am young, want to learn, but i just feel, indifferent. so very different from many of my peers. somethig is holding me back from pushing myself in school, i want to do good, but i just do not go about it. i think if i were in more of a professional type ordeal, id be fine. but who knows, maybe that is not me. i do not know for sure.
i find myself questioning everything these days, my actions, my life, myself, my mother, beagle, cali, even angie. i want to go to college, but my grades are terrible, if i make it out of highschool, ill be just squeeking by. i really want to go to college, a nice one also, im thinking somethign with litterature, philosophy, and music, these things intrest me a great deal. i love knowledge, but i think for me to pursue something of that nature, i would have had great grades atleast by this year, and i do not, i still do not, it kind of sucks, possibly its not tooooo late to turn it all around, it will be hard, and im a slacker, but possibly i will be able to manage it. with good people supporting me atleast, i have many. i just need to find it within myself, and i want it. amongst many other things.
i want to be able to be in a position that i will be able to take care of a family, have a wife that loves me unconditionaly, but is also my best friend, that takes years im told, hehee, i want to accomplish many thigns in my life, leave my mark, liv on forever, give my children the best lives i can. and yet, it scares me, im soo young, and im thinking of soo much. so very insteresting..
gah, these are minor thoughts i suppose, i should go on to tackle other this at the moment, i wish i could talk to angie now, but i call, and no one answers, i guess she turned off her ringer....
kind of sad really, thats my mood at the moment.
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| oompa? |
[17 Jan 2005|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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determined |
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music |
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blindside |
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i suppose its been awhile, eh? haha, well fine then, not much has been going down lately, i guess, i moved out of my parents house recently, ive moved in with beagle and his family, such amazing people, take damn good care of me, heh, angie and i have been fine i suppose, and to be honest, i write very little in here, based upon feelings, for fear of people using such tings against me, besides, if i keep it all in, i hold more inspiration for future concepts and such ideals/art, and the like. in other words i pertain to practice more of a redrick aproach from now on, a combination of poetry and reddrick i suppose,seeing as how i am a lead singer, and i enjoy this to the fullest, pure poetry played out on stage in stanzas all their own..... angie and i have been doing pretty well, such a beautiful girl, i have opened up to her recently, getting a grip upon myself, i just pray she will be that push, that sends me over the edge of what i wish to become, what i wish to work for, what i wish to obtain with my life. then again, can i call this my life anyways? its said it is all we own, yet still, at the end of our terms, we no longer use our life, for it begins in more of a decaying riddle, so possibly we merely borrow lives, or just bodies? anyways, this is our time, my time, and i will not settle for mediocrity, i will go as far as i can, at least, i pray that i will, so many thigns i wish for, i want, and yet, i am a lazy being, the ambition led up to go nowhere, hopefully this will be altered, i will be and do all the best that i can.
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| Mhm. |
[07 Dec 2004|05:45pm] |
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I love Angie more than anyone else in the world.
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[23 Nov 2004|10:39am] |
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well, hello hello, i have neglected my online journal for too long i suppose, or rather, i have been given the oppurtunity not to spend time on my computer at my hizzouse, i do tend to believe i am the only kat out there, to manage getting put upon restriction, on meh bday. turned 17, got some nice presents, and a big ass set of rules, may i give a garganteous shout out to meh american history teacher, mr abazzia, i thank you sir, whole heartedly, yet, let me take this time to minus out my heart, so i suppose ill leave him with nothing, just as he managed to succumb that fate upon meh. lol, nah, i was out of line, so its all my fault, i suppose sense im getting old and shit, its one of those times i should straighten up, and fly right, fuckin go somewhere and accomplish something, if possible, lol. jes maybeh, yet confusion proles out my brain at all hours, day and night, where i want to be, who i want to be, with, myself, all that jazz, somewhat confrontational in meh brain. hopefully all works out soon enough, so everything should be green and bitchin. anyways, i had iss yesterday, and i was supposed to get today off, just for 4 period, yet meh great great teach, figured this plot out, and decided it would be in my best intrest to maintain my occupancy in iss, for the remainder of today, i of course, figured otherwise, and left school, asap. now im at beagles house, jes kinda chillaxin, about to go pick up some pizza, maybeh take a nap. haha, who knows mang. today, i wish that my fate could be layed out before me, and i know which steps would have to be taken, whom i would be taking them with, and everything would be simple, yet, for human nature, this wish is not a necessity, meaning that it is not that simple, i must learn and live, strive, or die trying, attempt, fail, flaw, and march on. simple enough? yet still, love and life manage to throw in those half ass hagard emotions, and whammo, now you got some contemplation, yet, should it be mutual in the aspect of half assed comprehension, of course not! so still, im left here to sit and ponder, to sit and wonder, about which steps should be taken, and where my heart should be residing, in or out, within, or without. al these unecessary possibilities, yet the comfort zone is not just imaginary, its extrodanarily vibrant. the shere excellence of this is no mirage at all, but an upfront ticket, awaiting a decision, with or without precision, to be executed and established. and yet, still, uncertaintity can portray that sacred image of closure, as if a blanket over a new born, but still, not yet used to feelign the material world, just flat out awoken, and brought out towards the light, with cold hands, and clean metal. comfortable warm, so very true, yet uncomfortable in the ways of somethign new, not knowing which aspects hold truth and others, falsities. so similar, parapendicular supposedly they may run in that direction, so often as my own. so still, im left, with much contemplation, much comprehension, and yet this suspension, and aggetation at grasping out which may or may not be my future is somewhat futile, for growth is something less beautiful that before, something less sacred.
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[10 Nov 2004|08:30pm] |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Nightwish |
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yesterday was angelina's birthday, i do wish it were majestful for her, and this year, reconstructive and pleasent. i wish the beauty residing inside her gets passed on to everyone around her, and her life is brought out and up to be as amazing as it possibly can, i do believe in her, as well as see residing within her. she is going to be amazing, not saying that she is not now, but i see all that beauty, branching out into something majestic, conceptual......
she liked her presents i think, i managed to scrounge up some money and get her a few things, a necklace, i used the pendant from one, and made another one, this bitchin poster, and a big ass carebear. lol, she likes that later one the most. it talks, god damn thing was hard to find, and hard for me to obtain, sense im poor, lol, i almost stole it the other night, so very closely, but i did the right thing i suppose. and she loves it, sooo yay!!!!
my mother wished she knew she was staying with us last night, we would have gotten a cake, but she says that she will get us both a cake for my bday, which is next thursday i think, something like that, and she will get one we both like, lol, teehee. my mom really likes her, says shes a sweet girl, pretty uplifting for this broken locust.
i am going to attempt at snagging a job to help out my rents as soon as possible, i have to check some resources tomorrow at school, then im going to grab a few applications, i wish to help my rents out, ease some tension i suppose, and be in somewhat control with this reality. this fate of sorts.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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